Contact me. I’m lonely
JK LOL. I’m currently hard at work creating the next generation of literary junk food. If you happen to be interested in contacting me with questions regarding my work, you are welcome to. If you happen to be hindered by crippling social anxiety, don’t worry, we’ve got you! Subscribe now for my newsletter and you can get relevant updates for all my projects without having to send me a message. It’s like when you’re waiting for a package, and you see it’s there. But like, the delivery guy is still at the porch, and you don’t want to have to talk to him. You look out the window and wait till he gets far enough down the driveway. You finally open the door to your nest, and drag that palatable parcel into your den like a South American trapdoor spider pulling in a meal.
You breathe a sigh of relief that you didn’t have to spend part of your day off having to talk to a stranger. But the thought of it causes you to take pause. All you do is either go to work, or stay at home. You count down the seconds till you clock out and leave. But all you do is sit at home and use your $3,000 gaming PC to watch Youtube and doomscroll on Twitter*. You crave free time, but all you use it for is sitting around and stewing in a pot full of bitter and hollow comfort. How old are you now? You’re still working at that crummy cafe? You spent all that time and money getting a useless degree and now you’re all alone.
The only comfort left to you in life is to indulge in vain pleasures like watching reruns of The Office and eating Cool Ranch Doritos. Every action you take is driven towards numbing your depressed mind. You constantly seek out ways to simply turn your brain off and stop thinking. But it was René Descartes who famously said, “I think, therefore I am.” To not think is to not be. At this point, you’re seeking ways to vanish into nothingness. Just thinking about where you are in life right now leaves you with a vile pit in your stomach.
What’s the answer? Alcohol? Dr*gs? No… Veggietales said that stuff was bad. Bob the Tomato was always there for you when you needed him most. He would be ashamed to see you destroy yourself with substance abuse. You clutch your precious limited edition vintage 1998 Veggietales pendant and take a deep breath. You’ve had your fill of Youtube, you’re sick of Twitter*. It’s time to make a change in your life. It’s time to stand up and pursue something meaningful. You begin by forming healthy habits. And what’s more healthy than reading a mentally stimulating book.
That’s when you remember it… Yes! You subscribed to that weird Author’s newsletter! You should check for updates on his latest projects! You open a new tab and quickly find his site. And that’s when you see it… an inspiring book about truth, justice, and the (insert your country) way!
TLDR, subscribe to my newsletter and make Bob the Tomato proud!
*I will never call it X